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21 October 2014 @ 04:39 pm
I don't know how to function in a conversation in which two people are battling the surface of egoic emotions instead of allowing the internalized guilt, anger, sadness, and regret to come out clean. Then, when a third party comes in and tries to tell the truth of things as if their experiences in prior relationships have worked out gives me rage. feeling. Others do not understand the relationship I have with Brannon. Brannon doesn't even know who I am anymore. I'm reduced to being a whore, a sociopath, with multiple personality disorder, simplified into someone with borderline personality disorder. So he assumes I have every trait due to actions I've taken in the past. Most of which came from immature spite against him. None of my experiences have been pleasant. I almost feel abused by my lack of consciousness during those sexual experiences. They provided no relief. I felt nothing during them. Half of them I cannot even recall when it comes to what happened. All of these attacks we have against eachother are birthed by the ego. There is so much inside of the soul that one cannot express out of fear of being attacked, belittled, or devalued. I love Brannon more than I've loved anyone in my life. But I cannot get a real conversation out of him without him feeling like a victim or as if everything is his fault. I can't rid his mind of these impressions, most of which came from paranoid and delusional thinking, paranoid experiences he thinks I've had. So imaginatively negative. I tell the truth. I care. I'm not a sociopath and I do have guilt toward what I've done. I acknowledge we're equals. I don't have energy to have a comparative debate to see who has done the worst. I know that now I am not doing anything but trying to convince him I love him so he won't leave me when I'm gone. The pictures of Allison broke my heart, but then I feel spiteful and think about what I did with Kyle, which probably happened the same night Brannon asked for her sex videos. If he would have watched them, in my opinion, which is worthless and pathetic to Brannon, it means to me that he had cheated sexually from his mind. I am hurt and he doesn't realize it. I realize he is, too, but I don't know what to do to let him know. He makes me feel like I'm pathetic to him. When he drinks he makes me feel like he doesn't love me. During the times I've had sex with others it was because I felt like I had lost him entirely. I had lost his compassion toward the way I feel. I feel I've lost so much and I wish more than anything to feel like I've gained more in this relationship than what I have lost. I've lost his trust, he has lost mine. I've lost the idea that he is innocent, he's lost it, as well. How do you recover from a relationship that has had an overabundance of up and downs? It's like being imprisoned by the pain of confusion.

All I want is to love him and for him to love me. Unconditionally. I want a real conversation.
 
 
23 August 2014 @ 01:39 am
I fell in love with my own sorrow. It came from the shadows of my soul, where the depths of my past never reach me.
It somehow escaped through the crevice, survived through light, and traveled through the pathway of my heart.
I fell in love with it's secrets it never told, the ones that bled through it with such a fragile conviction.
I inhaled its wisdom and fought its influence, but it overtook me like the currents of a red ocean.
I allowed it to love me back, but it never really did, because it was my self hatred cradling my exhausted ego.
 
 
09 August 2014 @ 06:38 pm
slander me to your own, so be it
slander me to my own, so have it
I'll be what you say, let's give you your perception, show you what it really is.
No one to call now to help you. Not even a faggot wants to hang out with you.

Know the deal? Let it steep like tea and drink it down, only your organs too ignorant to realize the currency won't be able to refuse drinking it.
 
 
02 August 2014 @ 06:10 am
I recently posted on various "add me" communities for friends. I've changed my mind about having interest in them. This is a private journal shared between my lover and I, I don't want strangers reading it. Sorry.
 
 
02 August 2014 @ 12:06 am
DECLARATION OF EVOLUTION BY TIMOTHY LEARY. IT'S FUCKING AMAZING


When in the course of organic evolution it becomes obvious that a mutational process is inevitably dissolving the physical and neurological bonds which connect the members of one generation to the past and inevitably directing them to assume among the species of Earth the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and Nature's God entitle them, a decent concern for the harmony of species requires that the causes of the mutation should be declared.
We hold these truths to be self evident:
That all species are created different but equal;

That they are endowed, each one, with certain inalienable rights;

That among them are Freedom to Live, Freedom to Grow, and Freedom to pursue Happiness in their own style;

That to protect these God-given rights, social structures naturally emerge, basing their authority on the principles of love of God and respect for all forms of life;

That whenever any form of government becomes destructive of life, liberty, and harmony, it is the organic duty of the young members of that species to mutate, to drop out, to initiate a new social structure, laying its foundations on such principles and organizing its power in such form as seems likely to produce the safety, happiness, and harmony of all sentient beings.

Genetic wisdom, indeed, suggests that social structures long established should not be discarded for frivolous reasons and transient causes. The ecstasy of mutation is equally balanced by the pain. Accordingly all experience shows that members of a species are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, rather than to discard the forms to which they are accustomed.

But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, all pursuing invariably the same destructive goals, threaten the very fabric of organic life and the serene harmony of the planet, it is the right, it is the organic duty to drop out of such morbid covenants and to evolve new loving social structures.

Such has been the patient sufferance of the freedom-loving peoples of this earth, and such is now the necessity which constrains us to form new systems of government.
The history of the white, menopausal, mendacious men now ruling the planet earth is a history of repeated violation of the harmonious laws of nature, all having the direct object of establishing a tyranny of the materialistic aging over the gentle, the peace-loving, the young, the colored. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to the judgment of generations to come.
These old, white rulers have maintained a continuous war against other species of life, enslaving and destroying at whim fowl, fish, animals and spreading a lethal carpet of concrete and metal over the soft body of earth.
They have maintained as well a continual state of war among themselves and against the colored races, the freedom-loving, the gentle, the young. Genocide is their habit.
They have instituted artificial scarcities, denying peaceful folk the natural inheritance of earth's abundance and God's endowment.
They have glorified material values and degraded the spiritual.
They have claimed private, personal ownership of God's land, driving by force of arms the gentle from passage on the earth.
In their greed they have erected artificial immigration and customs barriers, preventing the free movement of people.
In their lust for control they have set up systems of compulsory education to coerce the minds of the children and to destroy the wisdom and innocence of the playful young.
In their lust for power they have controlled all means of communication to prevent the free flow of ideas and to block loving exchanges among the gentle.
In their fear they have instituted great armies of secret police to spy upon the privacy of the pacific.
In their anger they have coerced the peaceful young against their will to join their armies and to wage murderous wars against the young and gentle of other countries.
In their greed they have made the manufacture and selling of weapons the basis of their economies.
For profit they have polluted the air, the rivers, the seas.
In their impotence they have glorified murder, violence, and unnatural sex in their mass media.
In their aging greed they have set up an economic system which favors age over youth.
They have in every way attempted to impose a robot uniformity and to crush variety, individuality, and independence of thought.
In their greed, they have instituted political systems which perpetuate rule by the aging and force youth to choose between plastic conformity or despairing alienation.
They have invaded privacy by illegal search, unwarranted arrest, and contemptuous harassment.
They have enlisted an army of informers.
In their greed they sponsor the consumption of deadly tars and sugars and employ cruel and unusual punishment of the possession of life-giving alkaloids and acids.
They never admit a mistake. They unceasingly trumpet the virtue of greed and war. In their advertising and in their manipulation of information they make a fetish out of blatant falsity and pious self-enhancement. Their obvious errors only stimulate them to greater error and noisier self-approval.
They are bores.
They hate beauty.
They hate sex.
They hate life.
We have warned them from time to time to their inequities and blindness. We have addressed every available appeal to their withered sense of righteousness. We have tried to make them laugh. We have prophesied in detail the terror they are perpetuating. But they have been deaf to the weeping of the poor, the anguish of the colored, the rocking mockery of the young, the warnings of their poets. Worshiping only force and money, they listen only to force and money. But we shall no longer talk in these grim tongues.
We must therefore acquiesce to genetic necessity, detach ourselves from their uncaring madness and hold them henceforth as we hold the rest of God's creatures - in harmony, life brothers, in their excess, menaces to life.
We, therefore, God-loving, peace-loving, life-loving, fun-loving men and women, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the Universe for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name and by the Authority of all sentient beings who seek gently to evolve on this planet, solemnly publish and declare that we are free and independent, and that we are absolved from all Allegiance to the United States Government and all governments controlled by the menopausal, and that grouping ourselves into tribes of like-minded fellows, we claim full power to live and move on the land, obtain sustenance with our own hands and minds in the style which seems sacred and holy to us, and to do all Acts and Things which independent Freemen and Freewomen may of right do without infringing on the same rights of other species and groups to do their own thing.
And for the support of this Declaration of Evolution with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, and serenely confident of the approval of generations to come, in whose name we speak, do we now mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our Sacred Honor.
 
 
 
02 August 2014 @ 12:03 am
IMG_0751
 
 
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: High as fuck
Current Music: The Black Angels
 
 
29 July 2014 @ 02:50 am
I have this *boyfriend* who claims to love me. We both had this mutual understanding that it was necessary for us both to be under the influence of psychoactives so we could be put at ease when it came to our anxiety and able to have real communication as well as the god given gift of not generically expressing the emotions we have toward eachother. He takes gabapentin. Gabapentin, yeah, it does a little bit for me, but not enough because I have more anxiety than he does. My drug of choice is an over the counter opioid called Loperamide. It's stated online that it doesn't cross the blood brain barrier, however, from my personal experience, I've come to found that taking an overdose amount of the drug forces the drug through the blood brain barrier. There came a day when we were both having issues getting along consistently. For a certain amount of time, we were able to get along like those special days when we would get together, dress eachother up, and take beautiful pictures. I would usually use Corel Paintshop Pro to edit them and make us look bright and healthy, or maybe add a psychedelic effect to them. After taking pictures, I was becoming frustrated by not being able to download Corel without a message popping up saying the version was illegally modified. After about 5 times at trying to get it to work, I could not. With the help of my brother, a computer guru, he was able to download it. Altogether, the Corel downloading issue took about 3 hours to complete with success. I then began editing pictures, when Brannon came in abruptly wanting to play his video game. I admit I became infurious instantly because I figured he would understand that since I had just got Corel to work, I wanted to complete editing the photos in one session without taking breaks. My anger got a little out of control, so I decided to go into the living room and sit. He then comes out and tells me he dumped all of my loperamide down the toilet. Me, quite flabbergasted about this, wondering why he would do such a thing when we had once had a mutual understanding, would do such a thing against me. He says because he felt rage. I explained to him again, to refresh his memory, that taking loperamide helps reduce anxiety for me and allows me to be comfortable with him without the paranoia of our relationship being generic. He selfishly and delusionally tells me I am pissed off about it because I'm a drug addict. He then goes on to further my confusion about his intellectuality by saying I don't love him and I'm only living with him because I like his rather unluxurious trailer. I drink tap water here and eat food bank food more often than not. When I live in town, I can eat at churches, or shoplift food to eat. I can also see friends, make friends, and have a social life. Most of my friends hate Brannon because of the way he's treated me in the past, so they refrain from hanging out with me now because I am always with him. So, to him I've given up all of that just so I can stay in his shitty, not to be mean, but shitty trailer in comparison to the houses I could probably end up living in with other men. He fails to understand that loperamide to me is Gabapentin to him. He tells me I'm selfish, flicks cigarettes on my clothes, cries, and somehow seems to think that by being a dick to me, I am going to have this enlightening breakthrough of realization and come to the conclusion that it's my fault the loperamide was flushed. Might I add, he was upset earlier before he dumped it, and I stopped what I was doing to console him while he was crying. He told me he needed a moment, I heard him crying more, but since hearing from him that he needed a moment to calm down, I went against my wishes of consoling him further and stayed in this computer room, editing pictures more.

These are the days when I begin to question if whether or not our relationship is worth it. It's the day that comes when I just want to go to sleep, abandon him completely if I have an available ride, or just break open a razor and slice myself to death. Instead, I sit here quietly, try to calm down for my own sake, and just relax until I'm ready to go to sleep. My *boyfriend*, who supposedly loves me and trusts me a bit more than he used to, doesn't come to me when he has a problem with me. he walks awake and he ignores any kind of solution until his emotions end up spiralling out of control. I then have no choice but to either rage because of my disgust toward his lack of courage, or want to just jump off of a fucking bridge.

I wish he would increase his awareness overnight because he has the awareness of a child. It's charming until he does something that is just farfetched. It breaks my heart, but he's more concerned about his own. I took librium in a moment of confusion, and will probably not pass my drug test now.